SUMMARY OF MY E-MAIL FOR THE PAST YEAR; THANKS FOR ANY CONTRIBUTION

> I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in
> the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
> every envelope that needs sealing.
>
> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
> reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
> (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
> 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
> receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending
> me for participating in their special e-mail program
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
> looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every
> wish.
>
> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
> mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
> a water buffalo on a hot day.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if
> I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within
> five minutes.
>
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
> remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch
> the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
> pumping gas.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
> these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their
> cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
>
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
> microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring
> me for life.
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
> pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
> a perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
> actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
> our American troops or the Salvation Army.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
> number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
> Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan .
>
> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I
> receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
> have their recipe.
>
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
> brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
> death when it bites my bottom.
>
> Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us.
> I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix
> everything.
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $500 I
> dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by
> a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>
> Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my
> car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 42,000 people in the
> next 42
> minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:42
> PM this afternoon and the fleas from 42 camels will infest your
> back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
> because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
> ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
>
> Have a wonderful day....AND
>
> A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
> that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their
> e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
>
> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
>