Buck Rockets

Think before you speak.....

2008-10-15T16:01:00.001-05:00

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word..
he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the
store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with
men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with
me.'
Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time
he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember
we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak!!!

Mustang Ranch

2008-10-13T07:02:00.001-05:00

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in
Nevada for tax evasion and as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed.

Now we are trusting the economy of our nation to a pack of nit-wits
who couldn't make money running a whorehouse and selling booze???????

GIVE ME A BREAK........................

The Gorilla and the Redneck

2008-10-11T09:42:00.001-05:00

A small zoo in Tennessee obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The
gorilla was in heat.
To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee
Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal
cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under five conditions:

'First', Bobby Lee said, 'I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips.' The
Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

'Second', he said, 'She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt.'
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

'Third', he said, 'you can't never tell no one about this.' The keeper
again readily agreed to this condition

'Fourth', Bobby Lee said, 'I want all the children raised Southern
Baptist.' Once again it was agreed.

'And last,' Bobby Lee said, 'I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00'

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

2008-09-29T12:32:00.000-05:00

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom.Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'In'.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over TheirCaffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Sexual Favors'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party BecauseYou're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling - 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ..

Cussing

2008-09-15T14:37:00.000-05:00

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old, I think it's about time we started cussing.

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass..' The

4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.' WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'

Men Are Just Happier People

2008-09-03T10:35:00.002-05:00

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in
$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these
items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can
handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy

The Journey Of A Man

2008-08-16T11:26:00.001-05:00

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

For the Lawyers in my life

2008-08-13T14:09:00.001-05:00

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to
eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man
he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows
turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The
grass is almost a foot high."

Spanish lesson

2008-07-31T13:28:00.001-05:00

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group
was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Home Depot

2008-07-29T07:02:00.001-05:00

A man asks: "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I
was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me
if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog. would you ask me
if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was
Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was
Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why
did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS...

2008-07-28T07:38:00.001-05:00

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS...

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?

'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.';

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.

1. The DNA all matches ..

2. There are no dental records.

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?!

What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'OOPS'

----------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

Square Testicles

2008-07-14T07:19:00.000-05:00

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a
purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted
on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a
lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right)
an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The
president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so
much money The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your
testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and
said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money
involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock
tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the
president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent
a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning
them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he
was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and
reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at
the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000
bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the
day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so
that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president.
'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president
noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He
asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,

'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock
in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the
Bank of Canada!'

The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it brings luck to
everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely
be unlucky.

Blind man

2008-07-07T13:38:00.001-05:00

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake.    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.  After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you  wanna  hear a blonde joke?'    The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,  the  woman next to him says,  'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is  only  fair -- given that you are blind, that you should know five  things:    
 
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.  
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.  
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.  
4.  The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter.  
 5.  The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.    


'Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that  joke'    
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,    'Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Hurricanes re-named....

2008-07-02T08:11:00.001-05:00

Please forgive me....... this is not politically correct;
however...it be true!

It appears our African-American friends have found yet something else
to be pissed about.

A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of
hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some
names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha,
Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. She would also like the weather reports
to be broadcast in Language that street people can understand because
one of the problems in New Orleans is that regular folks couldn't
understand the seriousness of the situation due to the racially biased
language of the weather report.

I can hear it now: A weatherman in Houston says…

"Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like
Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo'
chirren, yo' Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'ment
office fo yo FREE shit!"

Spread the Stupidity

2008-06-30T14:10:00.001-05:00

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight.

Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is there a Victoria's Secret across from the maternity store in most malls?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to
smile every once in a while.

woman/man's poem

2008-06-27T22:23:00.001-05:00

WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The End

THIS SAYS IT ALL!!!...

2008-06-27T22:18:00.001-05:00

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a
paper towel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because
lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs
including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose
(although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chi ckens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
gas..

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make th ese
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no long er use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for let ting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
A l Qaeda in disgu ise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
Uganda & Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
co mpanies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

Lil Johnny on politeness...

2008-06-17T19:49:00.001-05:00

The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:'Michael, if you
were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you
tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a
minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.What
about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry,
but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's
better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once
and show us your good manners?' 'I would say: Darling, may I please be
excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of
mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted

Father

2008-06-16T09:07:00.001-05:00

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, 'I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and
he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',
and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, ''Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar.

Service

2008-06-13T11:51:00.001-05:00

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
T.V. 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two
farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service'
a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what
all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

2008-06-12T12:37:00.001-05:00

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you
of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till
they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, 'You ma! ke me w ant to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who
can handle it.

Elephant Story

2008-06-04T18:28:00.001-05:00

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.   The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.   He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.   The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.   As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.   Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.   He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.   The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

    Probably wasn't the same elephant.

LITTLE RALPHY

2008-06-02T08:31:00.001-05:00

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little
Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an
example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed
to go to the toilet. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a
piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use
in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but
if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the
same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!

Real Classified Ads

2008-05-30T09:15:00.001-05:00

Real Classified Ads
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER:
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES:
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND - DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat . Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

The love story of Ralph and Edna

2008-05-28T12:25:00.001-05:00

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna
were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the
news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with
his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's
dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?'

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE

2008-05-04T08:12:00.001-05:00

If all of the eight desserts listed below were sitting in front of
you, which would you choose (sorry, you can only pick one)! Trust
me...this is very accurate. Pick your dessert, and then look to see
what psychiatrists think about you.

REMEMBER - No Cheating. Make your choice before you check the meaning..

After taking this dessert personality test, send this e-mail on to
others, but when you do, be sure to put your choice of dessert in the
subject box above.

ALSO, SEND IT TO THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU. DON'T FORGET TO CHANGE
YOUR DESSERT CHOICE IN THE SUBJECT BOX BEFORE YOU FORWARD IT.

Here are your choices:

1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue Pie
4. Vanilla Cake With Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate Cake With Chocolate Icing
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake

No, you can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think
carefully about what your choice will be.

---------

OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what the researchers
say about you... SCROLL DOWN---No Cheating

1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and
fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream
cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and
immature at times.

2. BROWNIES -- You are adventurous, love new ideas, and are a champion
of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip
out your saber. Yo u are always the odd ball with a unique sense of
humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.

3. LEMON MERINGUE -- Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you
are an excellent caregiver and a good teacher. But don't try to walk
and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, you set your
own style because you do your own thing. You shine when it comes to
helping others and have many friends.

4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous,
not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lacking motivation.
Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker.
Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend
for life.

5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE -- Romantic, warm, loving. You care about
other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in
return. Intuitively keen. You c an be very emotional l at times but a
true person in every way. You like to do things for yourself and help
others learn about themselves.

6. CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Sexy; always ready to give
and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate.
You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not
afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life.
Love to laugh.

7. ICE CREAM -- You like sports, whether it be baseball, football,
basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate,
but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote
control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

8. CARROT CAKE -- You are a very fun loving person, who likes to
laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You
are a very warm hearted person an d a little e quirky at times. You
have many loyal friends. You were meant to lead and teach others A
wonderful role model.

If you cope-n-paste this into an email please put your choice in the
subject line.

Ten things to remember

2008-05-01T07:36:00.001-05:00

Number 10- Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6- Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3- A slight tax increase will cost you $200.00 yet a substantial tax cut only saves you 30¢.

Number 2 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1- Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

Garter Snakes

2008-04-22T09:26:00.001-05:00

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis)
can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to
protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one
of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife
saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower)
ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She
told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About
that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He
thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the
floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him
up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants
rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the
stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake
came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical

Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when
the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she
called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed
himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the
sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the
cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and
fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR
to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the
grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and
slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned
goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it
needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that
the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now,
the police had arrived.

Breathe here......

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when
the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green
snake The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and
his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of
the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and
hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it
shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog that, startled, jumped
out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid
it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they
were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead
wires, put out the neighborhood power, and disconnected the telephones
in a ten-square city block area (....but they did get the house fire
out).

Time passed! Men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was
right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and again, the weatherman
announced a cold snap for that night.

The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their
plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

2008-04-16T11:27:00.000-05:00

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more care! ful next tim e, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma an yway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy .

The mouse trap

2008-04-01T20:18:00.004-05:00

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

What food might this contain? The mouse wondered - - - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard,

The mouse proclaimed the warning: There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.

The mouse turned to the pig and told him - There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!

The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.

The mouse turned to the cow and said There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!

The cow said, Wow, Mr. Mouse. I am sorry for you, but it is no skin off my nose.

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face
the farmer's mousetrap . . . alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them. The mouse looked upon it all from His crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember ---- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

REMEMBER ...
Each of us is a vital thread in another person's tapestry; our lives are woven together for a reason. One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a FRIEND

A few health tips

2008-03-29T14:38:00.001-05:00

I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; tha t's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A : YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you

Walmart Greeter

2008-03-27T14:41:00.001-05:00

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though; you¢re coming in late.

I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

N.C. Highway

2008-03-24T15:22:00.003-05:00

A North Carolina Highway Department employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.' The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, 'I have the authority of the State of North Carolina to go any where I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.' So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

It wasn't too much later and the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Dept. employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the employee at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart Ass....Show him your card!!

When Grandma Goes To Court

2008-03-07T07:49:00.001-06:00

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair '

WILL I LIVE TO BE 80?

2008-02-27T14:43:00.001-06:00

Some times you just have to ask yourself 'Will I live to be 80?'

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,

'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'

Then he looked at me and asked,

'Then why do you care?'

So That's Where They Come From!

2008-02-25T14:29:00.001-06:00

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers. "

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. " What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Guts & Balls

2008-02-23T19:18:00.000-06:00

GUTS AND BALLS: We've all heard about people having guts or balls; but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

A conversation with Jesus

2008-02-22T13:11:00.001-06:00

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a Jack Daniel's on the rocks, along with a quiet
conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said, "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"

And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for
your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool, and it can be used for good or bad."

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of life? Why am I
here?"

He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Senor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."

Hymn #365

2008-02-14T12:44:00.000-06:00

This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

See you at the river.

the funeral

2008-02-11T21:13:00.001-06:00

This does not apply to my in-laws, of course, but is funny
nevertheless. RHR -- KJM

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
man walking a dog on a leash.Behind him, a short distance back, were
about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know
now is a bad time to disturb you, but I'v e never seen a funeral like
this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's." "What happened to her?"The man replied, "My dog attacked
and killed her. "He inquired further, "But, who is in the second
hearse?"The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her.

"A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
men. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."

Golf

2008-01-10T07:46:00.001-06:00

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on
Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and
they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman
standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the
group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and
they could see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with
a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse
congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily
invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at
6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she
played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous
week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join
the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the
guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf
right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the
covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is
pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the
left, golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

JUST ARRIVED, *NEW BUMPER STICKERS FOR 07

2007-12-05T09:21:00.001-06:00

*1. Bush: End of an Error *
*2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway *
*3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First *
*4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to **Iran** *
*5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber. *
*6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President *
*7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant! *
*8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet? *
*9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight *
*10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore *
*11. **America**: One Nation, Under Surveillance *
*12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It *
*13. Whose God Do You Kill For? *
*14. Jail to the Chief *
*15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade **Iraq**? *
*16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap *
*17. Bad President! No Banana. *
*18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language *
*19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them *
*20. Is It **Vietnam** Yet? *
*21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either *
*22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket? *
*23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him. *
*24. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46 *
*25. Pray For Impeachment *
*26. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century *
*27. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand? *
*28. One Nation Under Clod *
*29. 2004: Embarrassed. 2005: Horrified. 2006: Terrified *
*30. Bush Never Exhaled *
*31 At Least Nixon Resigned*

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

2007-11-19T21:48:00.001-06:00

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is
one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who
understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the
purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra
advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written
for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight
variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a
'Top 10 List.' With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the
week went very well for every one!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, the quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be
there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your pee pee. This is your pee pee on drugs.

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS

2007-11-06T08:55:00.001-06:00

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I
look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the
garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the
mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car
keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the
table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills
back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my
check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. The Coke is
getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it
cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back
on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone (was it me?) left it on
the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll
be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the
kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but also spill some on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up
the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
- the car isn't washed,
- the bills aren't paid,
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
- the flowers don't have enough water,
- there is still only 1 check in my check book,
- I can't find the remote,
- I can't find my glasses,
- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today - I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor - Forward this message to everyone you know, because I
don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

Greetings from Wal-Mart

2007-10-11T09:43:00.001-05:00

A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into
Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way
through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they
ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would
you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you
for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

Hypnotist at Senior Center

2007-10-09T23:16:00.001-05:00

It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the
famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into
a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each one of you to keep
your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been
in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently
back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the
watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces...

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist!

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

Duck & Window

2007-10-09T11:02:00.001-05:00

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was
given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the
woods; but he could never hit the target. Getting a little
discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw
Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly,
hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and
grieved!

In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his
sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes"

But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the
kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny
did the dishes.

Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and
Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper." Sally
just smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he
wanted to help" She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally
went fishing and Johnny stayed to help

After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's; he
finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and
confessed that he had killed the duck.

Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You
see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but
because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you
would let Sally make a slave of you."

Thought for the day and every day thereafter? Whatever is in your
past, whatever you have done... and the devil keeps throwing it up in
your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger,
bitterness, etc.)...whatever it is...You need to know that God was
standing at the window and He saw the whole thing. He has seen your
whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are
forgiven.

He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of
you. The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness;
He not only forgives you, but He forgets. It is by God's grace and
mercy that we are saved.

Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life today. Share this
with a friend and always remember: God is at the window!

Wife Knows Best

2007-10-08T08:13:00.001-05:00

One day a man and his wife were walking around the mall when they came
across one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.

"Well," says his wife, "go ahead." He chuckles to himself and figures,
why not? He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white
card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful, and an absolutely
great lover!"

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong too!"

Why Men Are Not Allowed to Write Advice Columns

2007-10-06T16:33:00.001-05:00

Why Men Are Not Allowed to Write Advice Columns

Walter's Problem Page

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

English Lesson

2007-10-04T15:43:00.001-05:00

An English professor wrote these words, "A woman without her man is
nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it
correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is everything

Mealtime

2007-10-04T15:37:00.001-05:00

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice
of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks. He declines.
"Thanks
for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," He says.
"It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of
soup,homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The
Viagra," he says, "really
trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like
a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie
chicken?" He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving

Divorce vs Murder

2007-10-04T15:34:00.001-05:00

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, 'I would like
to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Brain Cramps

2007-09-28T08:04:00.000-05:00

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." &nbs p;
--Mariah Carey

````````````

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

`````````````````````````````

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

```````````````````

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoen ix."

--Dan Quayle

``````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

```````````

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

`````````````````````````````````

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

``````````````````

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP

````````````````

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Feeling smarter yet?
Send it on to your brilliant friends. I just did!!

Always follow the recipe

2007-09-27T10:48:00.001-05:00

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices
his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night
rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it
grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks
Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten
smaller! I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

Wait for it .

Wait .

"Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed. "Damm it, Jim, Crisco is shortening !

MORAL: Always follow the recipe!!!

Football Season Yet?

2007-09-18T21:37:00.000-05:00

Three football fans were out for a ride when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, passed out drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Duke fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Wake Forest fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, but with some "grumbling", the Carolina fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part.

The police were called and when the first officer arrived, he conducted his investigation. First he lifted up the Duke cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Wake Forest cap and replaced it, writing down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Carolina cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time.

The Carolina fan was becoming annoyed and asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer, "I am just simply surprised. Normally, when you look under a Carolina cap... you find an asshole. "

An Attorney and his wife

2007-09-18T20:43:00.000-05:00

This one's for all the women who have this uncanny ability and all the men who love us...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?

Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work

2007-09-07T14:46:00.001-05:00

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communication.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't realize it.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes conversations easier.

13. It promotes honesty.

14. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

15. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

16. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

17. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

Surgeons

2007-08-20T16:19:00.001-05:00

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

     One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas .  In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

     The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics."

     The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling at 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's running for President."

Big Tomatoes

2007-08-20T08:46:00.001-05:00

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red? "No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Psychiatrist

2007-07-26T11:48:00.001-05:00

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

2007-07-23T12:21:00.001-05:00

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted
the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.Â Suddenly I
noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths,"
I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the
Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
out of placesto put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what
I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his
body!Â Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered.. "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was
alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?"" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determinedthat the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on
the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the
grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note
on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly
burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my
work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She
replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I
was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Now this is a salesman

2007-07-12T13:55:00.001-05:00

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Texas and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin." Well, the boss liked the
kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after
we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought
something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin engine Chris
Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

New Verb - Married Folks

2007-07-12T12:26:00.001-05:00

Main Entry: mis•sion•ary po•si•tion
Pronunciation: 'mi-sh&-"ner-E p&-'zi-sh&n
Function: verb
an act of a husband to placing or arranging his body in such a way as
to allow for praying that his wife will want to have sex with him
tonight.

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?

2007-07-02T11:13:00.001-05:00

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?

The answer, of course is Ten!
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb
needs to be changed.
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for
changing the light bulb or for darkness.
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for
the new light bulb.
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor,
standing on a step ladder under the banner: " Light Bulb Change
Accomplished."
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting
in detail how Bush was literally in the dark.
8. One to viciously smear #7.
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush
has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between
screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

CAKE OR BED

2007-06-29T18:08:00.000-05:00

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK
LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN COULD YOU AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT
DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS. DOES IT
LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK
SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF
HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU
LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO
TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY
FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

Hallmark Cards

2007-06-27T09:34:00.000-05:00

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are

having a bad day ??

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

Here is another movie tie in

2007-06-26T12:33:00.001-05:00

Here is another movie tie in
Originally uploaded by buckrockets

Thought for the day

2007-06-25T11:14:00.000-05:00

If a bear takes a poop in the woods does anyone care?

Map for a nap

2007-06-24T10:31:00.001-05:00

Map for a nap
Originally uploaded by buckrockets

The Wisdom of the Heart

2007-06-24T08:37:00.000-05:00

"The Wisdom of the Heart"
from the 14th Dalai Lama
Nobel Peace Prize Laureate (1989)

- Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
- Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
- Sleep is the best meditation.
- Spend some time alone every day.
- We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace
with ourselves.
- Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful
stroke of luck.
- We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive
without human affection.
- Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
- If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not
harm them.
- The ultimate authority must always rest with the individual's own
reason and critical analysis.

right and left

2007-06-14T22:15:00.000-05:00

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money
from you. 'I'm doing community service this week." The florist is
pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to
open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting
for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay
his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy
and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there
is a thank you card and several different books, such as "How to
Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and
leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are three
dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
left and right.

Two blonde planters

2007-06-14T22:12:00.000-05:00

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill
the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then
moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest,
one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by
the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it --
why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and
fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it
probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But
today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

Two Spies

2007-06-14T13:10:00.001-05:00

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S. The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy hushes him quickly and whispers:

'Don't blow our cover. You're in America now, speak Spanish'

Native American

2007-06-14T11:23:00.000-05:00

Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent by the President to interview him. 'Chief Two Eagles' asked one official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.' The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?' The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, 'When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night making love .' Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

Hillbilly Mirror

2007-06-12T20:56:00.000-05:00

After living in the remote wilderness of Mississippi all his life, An old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big City of Greenville.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but

on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, So that's the ugly ***ch he's runnin' around with."

The Pastor's Donkey

2007-06-05T20:50:00.000-05:00

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was
so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and
it won again. The local paper read...

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get
rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Being concerned about public opinion can bring
you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be
yourself, take care of your ass, and enjoy life, stop worrying about
everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

SUMMARY OF MY E-MAIL FOR THE PAST YEAR; THANKS FOR ANY CONTRIBUTION

2007-06-05T20:45:00.000-05:00

> I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in
> the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
> every envelope that needs sealing.
>
> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
> reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
> (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
> 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
> receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending
> me for participating in their special e-mail program
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
> looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every
> wish.
>
> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
> mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
> a water buffalo on a hot day.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if
> I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within
> five minutes.
>
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
> remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch
> the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
> pumping gas.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
> these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their
> cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
>
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
> microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring
> me for life.
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
> pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
> a perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
> actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
> our American troops or the Salvation Army.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
> number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
> Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan .
>
> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I
> receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
> have their recipe.
>
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
> brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
> death when it bites my bottom.
>
> Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us.
> I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix
> everything.
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $500 I
> dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by
> a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>
> Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my
> car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 42,000 people in the
> next 42
> minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:42
> PM this afternoon and the fleas from 42 camels will infest your
> back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
> because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
> ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
>
> Have a wonderful day....AND
>
> A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
> that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their
> e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
>
> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
>

I love you in 21 languages

2007-06-05T20:44:00.000-05:00

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo!

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Oklahoma
Texas
The Carolina's
Georgia
Tennessee
Mississippi
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
& parts of Florida
Nice Ass, Get in the truck

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE

2007-05-24T21:02:00.000-05:00

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

For the Bikers!

2007-05-07T09:36:00.000-05:00

I saw you hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line. But, you didn't see me, put an extra $10.00 in the collection plate last Sunday.

I saw you, pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk. But, you didn't see me, playing Santa at the local mall.

I saw you, change your mind about going into the restaurant.But, you didn't see me, attending a meeting to raise more money for the hurricane relief.

I saw you, roll up your window and shake your head when I drove by. But,you didn't see me, driving behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out the car window.

I saw you, frown at me when I smiled at your children. But, you didn't see me, when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless.

I saw you, stare at my long hair. But, you didn't see me, and my friends cut ten inches off for Locks of Love.

I saw you, roll your eyes at our leather coats and gloves. But, you didn't see me, and my brothers donate our old coats and gloves to those that had none.

I saw you, look in fright at my tattoos. But, you didn't see me, cry as my children where born and have their name written over and in my heart.

I saw you, change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere. But, you didn't see me, going home to be with my family.

I saw you, complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be. But, you didn't see me, when you were changing the CD and drifted into my lane.

I saw you, yelling at your kids in the car. But, you didn't see me, pat my child's hands, knowing he was safe behind me.

I saw you, reading the newspaper or map as you drove down the road. But, you didn't see me, squeeze my wife's leg when she told me to take the next turn.

I saw you, race down the road in the rain. But, you didn't see me, get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date.

I saw you, run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time. But, you didn't see me, trying to turn right.

I saw you, cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in. But, you didn't see me, leave the road.

I saw you, waiting impatiently for my friends to pass. But, you didn't see me. I wasn't there.

I saw you, go home to your family. But, you didn't see me.
Because, I died that day you cut me off.
I was just a biker. A person with friends and a family.
But, you didn't see me.

marriage story

2007-05-01T08:53:00.001-05:00

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freeze r, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? --

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING !!

Health Alert

2007-04-23T15:20:00.001-05:00

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists in France have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Belton - Bikes. Blues & BBQ

2007-04-23T08:52:00.001-05:00

Well this is my first review -- so yeah!!!

I am an avid bike rider and someone who likes to donate time and money to a great cause and this weekend proved to be just that for a group of bikers.

I had the opportunity this past weekend to join a group of big hearted bikers on a poker run to raise money for the local Autistic & Special Olympics children around Belton, MO. While I do not have the official count I'll bet there was close to 100 bikes there this weekend. The ride started out in Belton, MO and we left around 11:30ish in the morning for a tour of MO. Now, I don't live in MO (I am on the other side of the state line) but I have to say I am always amazed at the countryside in MO and some of the nicest people you will ever meet. After departing from Belton we made our first stop to draw a card and I met some really nice people who offered to help me not get lost. One thing that I really like about other rides I have been on (besides a police escort) is that we all stay together, not the case here. After I drew my first card and went back to my bike to get ready to head out I noticed that several riders took off on their own for the next stop. Hey we're bikers free spirits! Realizing that we were probably not going to stay together one of the other riders in a group offered to let me tag along - which I was very grateful for since I had no idea where I was going. The nice folks that organized the ride did provide maps and mark the route as well as tell you were the stops were along the way, but I get lost real easy. I know a GPS posterchild. While I am not going to comment on every stop we made I have to comment on this one place that stuck in my mind - Fugglies. So, there we were riding along and then we made a left into a neighborhood and I thought - ok, were just going to ride through and eventually get to a business type district where the bar was located - nope. We drive along and I see what looks like an old neighborhood church and a bunch of bikes around it. First thought, that is kind of odd to name a church Fugglies. Boy was I wrong. We get inside and it is the coolest place with a really nice atmosphere. I stuck around there for a while talked to some people about bikes and just normal chit-chat. Again, great group of people. So, after leaving there the ride continued as normal and all went well. Another thing I liked about this ride is that each leg was about the right distance. Some rides there is a very short leg followed by long lines to draw a card and then get everyone back on their bike for another short leg. This one had had what appeared to me to be equal length legs between each stop. Which was very nice! The organizers were very well organized! My hat is off to them - thank you. This was the first annual ride and for it being their first one - it looked smooth to me. I know, there were probably things going on that I was not aware of and that is going to happen, but to the riders it all seemed to go off like clockwork. They had the card drawing process down to a routine and at the end I was one card away from a straight. Dang it. So, even though the whole group did not stay together I did join in with a group and they got me back to Belton around 4pm. Most of the riders took off to parts unknown with the intention of coming back around later that night to hear the blues band play. I stuck around until about 8 and I was just beat tired so I decide to skip the band this time. I apologize for not having any comments on the blues band, but I'll bet they were great as well.

Since this was a bikes, blues & BBQ - I cannot forget to comment on the BBQ - AWESOME!!! The sauce for the BBQ was very tasty and I really enjoyed it - both plates. :-)

Overall, it was a pleasure to be part of this ride and I feel honored to have been able to participate and help raise some money for a very worthy cause. I would recommend this ride to anyone and I am going to put this on my calendar for next year as well.

Bucky

And now for something different

2007-04-02T17:00:00.001-05:00

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Buckrockets

2007-03-11T21:40:00.001-05:00

First post on the real buck rockets